Monday, 29 October 2012

Reasons to Believe

To whom do you look forward to waking up each day?  What is the reason for your smile? Very simple questions that makes you pause and fumble for answers. 

Strange, ain't it that we go through our days with abandon.  All part of a routine: wake up, take a bath, eat, dress up, go to school or work, go home then sleep. 

In a world that's moving so fast, you remain frozen : at a standstill. Unable to cope with the changes. Like a square peg in a round hole. Totally mismatched. 

A dismal show of courage. When you experience turbulence in your life, it's hard to hold on to a sliver of hope. Hope is like a speck of light in the horizon, too far ahead to ever get hold of.

So you get on with life day to day.   And at some point, when you least expect it, everything crashes in on you. All the disappointments, the feeling of being powerless, buffeted by a wall of helplessness. It is quite staggering. And the scalding tears burns from the soul. 

When a person you know seems jaded, you don't know how to react nor the right things to say. How would you uplift someone who's made up their mind about certain things.

Says a local celebrity who just suffered a loss of a love one, "It's not only What We Eat but What's Eating us that matters." 

But getting through a loss, or disappointment differs from person to person. You can't just deliver a well-rehearsed speech on Positivity, blah, blah, blah expecting that everybody will react to the way you expect them to. We react differently. Some bounce back fast, some don't. It takes years to rebuild oneself.

It's a never ending battle with oneself.  To try to get past the negativity. The inner turmoil that boils within is hard to contain when you don't see any reason to go on. Or perhaps have people in your life that not only support you but understand where you're coming from because they've been there too. 

And you say, To whom do I look forward to each day? 

To everything that matters.  And if it's in abysmal state, then to Life itself. 

Sunday, 21 October 2012

Spring Serenade

The first ray of light flirted with the curtains which were shifting with the soft breeze. The world slowly awakens. It's the first day of spring. Cool winds blow, birds are chirping and the sweet smell of grass wafts through like they do when they're freshly mowed. I snuggled deeper into the warm bed, wanting to savor the moment of utter bliss and contentment - briefly though it was. How I easily drift into melancholy I would never know nor feel the urge to know. We are who we are. 

So here I lay awake listening to the first stirrings of the new day. I am here yet not really here. Funny how your mind tricks you. Yawning, I hesitantly got out of bed, pulled out the chair from the side and sit by the window. Soft pats of rain beat the roof as though small pebbles are thrown on them. I welcome the distraction. Just the appropriate sound to break the silence. Not that I abhor Silence. I am mesmerized by it. Mystified even. It's like a lake, where ripples are created when you cast a stone or do something to break the stillness. But ripples are only on the surface. You never see what's under the water. That's how I look at Silence, did I tell you that? You can't fully fathom it, you only skim through it.  It makes or breaks you. It builds and yet it can also destroy depending on the depth to which you embrace it.

Well, anyway, while I listen to the rhythmic rainfall I fall into my habit of clasping and unclasping my hands which irritates me sometimes. I don't know why I do that or when I started doing it. Things happen I guess when you're too preoccupied with other mundane thoughts, you pick up annoying mannerisms. Some say, it could be another unconscious psychological condition, those things that you do to shield yourself from hurt or pain. Whatever.

I turned on my CD player. The usual perk me up song to start the day.  But I stayed glued on my seat, watching the scene before my eyes: the rain just before it hits the ground, each droplet like tiny prisms casting little rainbows, the leaves bowing to the weight of water as though showing it's strength, and the panorama -- faint ray of sunshine dabbed by soft rain. Such a magnificent phenomenon. Like a painting. Surreal but otherwise it touches you like nothing else would.

And like those days, where you just feel deep inside, by intuition, that everything may work out just right creeps on me. Like a budding flower about to welcome the change of season. Change can be scary but it's always there. And today I firmly resolve to be its friend.  Because I don't want to be faithless.

I close my eyes, relishing this moment of peace. Tapping my feet to the music. There's a lightness inside of me. A song in my heart begins to play.

My faith is restored.

((( asheil.october 21.2012.sunday.1925hrs.)))

Thursday, 18 October 2012

Winter Sonata

How does a broken heart continue to hope?
How will I stop myself to dream of you
When my soul seek yours
The moment I arise.

 How can I not miss you
When the very thought of you 
Spirals me into a world
Where nothing exists but you and me.

How can I stop the heart from longing.
When the simple radiance of a song
Speaks your name even in my dreams.
Crashing my heart into tiny, million pieces.

And all through these sleepless nights,
I find misery sleeping by my side.

Such a sad, sad tale
When a heart that loves so real
Is nothing but a dying ember.

((( asheil.march 26,2012.monday.1239hrs.)))


Thursday, 11 October 2012


Perhaps I spent too much time psychoanalyzing things,
What if, 
Could it be,
I wonder why,
Cosseted by too much for far too long.

Perhaps the mind is at odds with my heart,
Can one ever be too much nice?
Is there an expiration date to it?
Little did I know 
I coddle people to the point of suffocation.


The human mind is one complex matter.
And the heart is oftentimes contradictory to it.
Is it right,
Is it true,
Can it bring me happiness.
 And if it doesn't satisfy the cravings 
Resentment creeps in, stealthily.
Anger set on fire.


(((asheil.october 11.2012.thursday.1111hrs.)))

Friday, 5 October 2012

The Cradle Song

This one I wrote while I reminisce the days where I used to babysit my niece and nephews.

A gentle rocking movement,
And you immediately close your eyes.
I gather you close to me
And placed a soft kiss on your brow,
Humming all along
A soothing lullaby as I cradle you to sleep.

Off to a deep slumber
Your tiny fingers clutching my hand.
As if trying to say
You never want to let go of me.

The gentle caress of your tiny fist
Brings tears to my eyes
The voice breaks as I try to sing
My heart a wellspring of so much love for you.

Watching you peacefully asleep,
A song of promise came to me,
"Nothing's gonna harm you,
Not while I'm around."

(((asheil.june 25,2011.saturday.1222hrs.)))


Tuesday, 2 October 2012


Trying to avert my mind off the questions.
Scantily clad Truths partially hidden behind a flimsy curtain of Defiance.
A meager attempt at Salvation.

How does one frame an Answer?
A gentle persuasion to save oneself.
From a searing pain crushing down on me
Swimming across a barren ocean
Clutching the dying embers.

Somebody save me,

I am drowning in my own tears.

((( asheil.august 24, 2011.wednesday.2043 hrs. )))