Lonely won't leave me Alone: a Satirical Monologue

Here's a journey into the realm of somebody else; delving into the myriads of thoughts running through someone who feels like there's another aspect of one's life where nobody dares to tread and nobody knows. So to anyone who reads this, I hope you can find the time to get to know the people you come across with or those that are close to. They might be hiding some real pain. And they don't know how to verbalize their suffering and the need to be heard not just suffer in silence. Blessed be to you. 


Here I lay in the dead of night dreading the coming of a new day. I take solace in the darkness, with all the secrets I keep. And yet, fears creep the moment the world embraces the dusk. What is the difference between night and day? Why are there things in the night that can never be as poignant during the day ? It's like I'm trapped in another realm; a contemptible place any sane person fears. And yet, I keep coming back. How did I end up self flagellating?

Uncertainty dangles in front of me. Is silence really a friend at moments like these? How do I silence the voices in my head? My heart begins to race; like staccato beats of disrupted musical succession--pure static noise. A constant hum of indecision.

The pain becomes unbearable that it renders me weak; debilitating to the core. Why is it that people can't see just how much pain I feel. Am I that guarded with my emotions? I have become an expert at masking out the grotesque side of me. How I ended being jaded in a life supposedly full of promise. They say Life is Hope. Why do I feel otherwise? Emptiness is like a vast meadow. You can get lost.  Nothing is more pathetic than a person trying so hard to portray a role; happiness is so far and in between. A tiny spark in a world of doom.  

All those so-called inspirational words are just million pieces of jumbled nonsense ; carelessly thrown in a heap. Useless. I so desperately want to shake off this feeling of worthlessness.  But I'm like standing on a threshold, where the door is unlocked. And yet, I can't begin to get myself to step inside. Standing still. Catatonic. Or could it be that the threshold is really a precipice? 

And this monotonous drone of sugar coated advices just irritates the hell out of me.  All I hear is constant babbling. Incessant words that are gibberish to me. They don't sink in. Like I'm wearing a fool-proof vest where nothing and no one can penetrate. And you, with your sweet attempt at pulling me out of this dungeon, you're really wasting your time. I smirk all the time. Imagining this clown performing in a makeshift stage all for my benefit yet can never elicit a tiny smile from this lone audience. 

Let's trade places then, shall we? Only then will you be able to understand the clinging hands of wretchedness that clutched my existence. Icy tentacles of loneliness holding me down.

Ain't it just sad that someone with so much promise can be so utterly blind; too detached from any emotions or cling on to something and believe that Life can turn around. If only I can give it a chance. Why can't I?

 

I have to gather my thoughts once again. Sweep and stack them under the inner linings of my mind where nobody has the key but me. 


For another day is dawning. And during the day, there is another version of me. 

images courtesy of weheartit.com

Label me What?

I just met this person recently.  And for all her financial stability, her social standing I never thought lies an insecure person. It's sad. Behind the facade of success, she's afraid to be left behind and that she feels inadequate. She can't step beyond the fears; unable to see just how lucky she is. And yet, you'll never be able to figure these out when you look at her. She's an object of envy for some; unable to see past beyond the superficial.

You look at a person and you form opinions based on the features, their gestures, the words they speak and sometimes by their nationality. First impressions. But do they really last? Sometimes, you wonder, how does the world see me? For one brief moment, you wished you have the ability to read anyone's mind to see how they perceive you. And if you could, would you be happy or ever ready for the things people see in you?  Or say about you.

Throughout our lives, we meet all sorts of people. Each one as different as night and day. Different strokes for different folks. What makes them tick? What are their pet peeves? What behooves them to do this and that? What moves you? What defines you? 

At the onset, we always put labels on people. It's like we put them in this and that category. Like a toy in a box complete with instructions. Little or nothing at all, could persuade us to change the dynamics of  this frail human tendency. 

Sometimes, we meet people that rub us the wrong way. You are irritated by the things they say and do. You can't explain it. There's something about them that resurrects the bad side in you---your very own Mr. Hyde personality.  But,  have you ever asked yourself, do I rub people the wrong way too?

I read somewhere that the things you hate from others are the reflection of the things that are in you, as well. Would you beg to disagree? Or does it bear a grain of truth. That deep down inside we are wired the same. It's only that society and other factors nurture us to react differently.

Inasmuch as we abhor being labeled or judged, we fall prey to the same malady. How we cringe at hearing how our friends or people in general say things about us that go against our own sensitivities. And yet, how easily we say and pass things about other people.Irony to the hilt. Sometimes, it's sad. Sometimes, upon deep contemplation, it can be a good thing. How? For one, you refrain from doing so, most times. And with conscious effort. Two, you whisper a sincere apology to those whom you feel you have slighted, directly and indirectly.Provided, of course, that you are willing to admit you have erred.

We are innately good. Nobody is born evil/bad. Call it a moment of weakness. An indiscretion from our goodness. Maybe the labels help us know people and for people to know us. But there's more to us than meets the eye. What we perceive is just a tiny facet of what lies beneath. Hardly do we fully grasp the wholeness by just seeing, or by the opinions we hold. 

People are gonna say things about you; whether justified or not.  Enough to turn your world into a frenzy. It is despicable. You become frantic; wanting to get to the bottom of things. Where have you gone wrong. Did you mess things up. You are distraught, wanting to please everyone. As if that's possible! But are you going to straighten them all up or are you just going to let it pass? Some battles are worth fighting for and some are just  a total waste of time.

How we love to downplay the reactions people do when slighted. But how tediously and overwrought with anxiety we turn ON the defensive mechanism button the moment the spotlight turns to us. Opinions rarely matter... Unless you give it the power to matter. to you!

For whom the bell tolls.  It tolls for everyone.

                                     image courtesy of weheartit.com

Just Like Heaven

First,  this isn't a review about Camp Sabros, their facilities and the amenities. Countless people have done that already. Even local TV and magazines have featured them.  This is a humble recount of a day with friends. To try to immortalize a bonding moment with words and pictures lest I'll be too senile to remember. Heaven forbid, though.

The details were finally confirmed and agreed to just on the afternoon of September 7, 2012. Just like that. A sudden impulse to go to an adventure. We've always been like that, not to plan too much ahead as it never does come into fruition.

6:30 am , Saturday, 8th September 2012

Jollibee Bajada

The original time of departure was at 5AM. But as the driver, Tatang, had a previous  driving assignment on the evening before, he came in a little later.  And off we go to start the almost an hour journey to Kapatagan, Digos, Davao del Sur.  

Destination: Camp Sabros

Mission: 850 meter zipline.

And as usual, just like second nature with us, the journey was filled with laughter, boisterous teasing, occasional break out into a song/s... Never mind if we're singing out of tune. It always makes the trip more fun.

8:30 AM

 And so we've arrived. The road going to Kapatagan is an interloping blend of rough and paved road, with just a minute distance for two vehicles. Roughly. Estimated at around 3,000 feet above sea level, the air has become crisp.  Temperatures dropped, and countless pine trees, wildflowers and a majestic view of Mt. Apo ( which has become shy when we arrived as it hid behind the clouds) adorn the panorama. A welcome sight for the eyes especially for us who were used to the concrete jungle, the city. And the air. I remember some people say about "clean air". This must be what they're referring to. Inhale. Inhale. Inhale. 

We had to leave the car on the roadside as it won't be able to traverse the road to the hill. We had to do it on foot. No pain, no gain. A 15-20 minute trek, which seemed like an eternity actually, what with all the countless stops to catch our breaths.  It had rained the night before, so the path is a little bit muddy and slippery. It wasn't that steep but not halfway to the hike, we were a little gasping for air, breathing heavily. Feeling lightheaded even. Unused to such activity, our legs were feeling the cramps. But the view going to the site was extremely magnificent. It was worth it. 

And finally, we've arrived at Camp Sabros. Nestled atop a hill of lush pine trees and greenery with a panoramic view of the highlands. When we left Davao City, it was sunny. But at this altitude, weather becomes unpredictable. It can rain almost anytime. The air is way too cool. And the clouds above were like cotton candies. Fluffy. Instinctively, I wanted to reach my hands out to the sky. My colleague quipped, we're only a dime away from heaven. Suddenly, fog enveloped the surroundings.

After donning the necessary safety gears,  harness and all, we started off on the 300++ meter zipline.  There are a number of zipline right in Davao City offering almost the same as Sabros.  But we wanted to experience it the Sabros way as to us, zipline came into our consciousness because of Sabros. Back then, faster than one can say Zipline, Sabros comes to mind.

We were made to lie horizontally.  We call it the Superman way.  Your hands are free to flap like an eagle’s wings. And off we go.  The zip lasts for about 30 seconds or more.  It may seem like a blur but you never miss out on the scenic vista. 

To go to the 3^rd tower where the 800++ meter was situated, you have to ride a vehicle down a steep, muddy and well, dangerous path as one wrong move by the driver and down the ravine you go.  It was exhilarating.  It’s like we’re on an off road adventure.  Super mix of adrenaline rush and fear rolled into one.

To sum it up, we went through all the rides and the cable lift. And just as we were going home, the fog again came in. 

Oh, did I happen to mention that after Sabros, we went on a side trip to Agong House. Oh well, that’s another story and calls for another time. 

google images