The bells on the door jingled. I looked up, an immaculately dressed gentleman walked in. I wondered what life he has. He seems so confident. He must be successful, career wise. I resumed looking at the table cloth; tracing my fingers on the pattern. It was four in the afternoon. There wasn't that much crowd in the diner. A slow, mournful song is played. One of those gut wrenching melodies that bleeds your heart. I peered outside, watching the passersby. It's so surreal. I am at a standstill and forces beyond me are moving. Like a movie scene. Outside of my periphery, everything is a blur. I shook my head to erase the images in my mind. Reminding myself this is the day where starts and endings should be faced. A baby cried on the table on my left. I heard the mother crooning, soothing the baby to stop crying. A chill run up my spine. And I nearly choke. If only there was someone.... And I corrected myself. Oh yes there was someone. Was.
I snorted. I had to stifle a bitter cry, bit my lip and stared at nothing in particular.
"Are you okay?" you asked, jolting me back to reality. I didn't catch everything you were saying. All this droning of excuses is just so exhausting. I stopped listening the moment you said, "It's not working. It's not your fault, it's mine". Am I okay? Like hell I'm okay. But like all things in the world when it ceases to mean something to someone, I have to accept it. Funny about acceptance. There's just too much arguments going on inside one's head, it's like a mini courtroom. You're the plaintiff, the accused, judge, the jury and the executioner. It's a dulling sensation, you never fully fathom its depths. You're just numb. Not that I blame you though. There were signs everywhere. I just refused to see them. I created this rosy-colored bubble. I did not realized how vulnerable it was.
How is it that I wanted to cry but no tears came? Such a deplorable feeling. I wanted to scream, slap you and ask the ever-profound WHY but I just clenched my fist to stop myself from shaking. Confrontation was never really my strong suit. Silence. Confounded silence. That, I'm very good at.
I suddenly stood up, surprising you. I didn't even bother to glance back. Just walked out the door. The air outside was crisp. An old man, sitting on a bench, was reading the day's paper. He didn't even bother to look up when I passed by. Lost in his own world. People got on with their lives. I wonder what people say when they look at me.
I'm accustomed to pain, what's another hurt? Another betrayal of Trust. And there's the rub. Trust that has been broken. More than the emotional upheaval raging inside, this carries the heaviest weight. And yet this time, I want to dissociate myself so I can believe it's not real. An idyllic setting. Such a quaint illusion I compelled myself to conjure.
Often, you stress yourself too much on theories how things should turn out. But then Life happens. And you're alone, defenseless. Crap! Just a bunch of crap. You're sucked up in that revolting feeling; thrust into a situation you'd rather run from. How I wish each of us has a switch we carry with us. Switching Off in times like these. or a strike out button--deleting these awful scenarios. But it doesn't work that way. Like a boxer, you have to take the punches on your own. Left jab, right hook, upper cut. Sometimes a headbutt. Bloody hell. You're inside the ring, oblivious to the crowd, shadow boxing with your demons. Nothing left to show but a bruised face and a broken spirit. Fallen. Hah. Just great!
I am not sure if I can Trust again or open myself to believe. I'm thinking I've done too much damage to my heart. This might just be it. The final buzzer has sounded. The last straw. I'm beat. Lock it, throw away the key. Got to make myself numb. ha-ha
And yet, somewhere in the back of my mind, something keeps nagging. "Yep, your heart sure is broken. But it still works."
I shake my head, chuckling involuntarily. I must be mad, talking to myself on the sidewalk. I turned on the corner and my eye caught the traffic light. It was a green, signalling Go.
Something in the air seems to whisper, "It's just about time."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gone
A lasting impression
Like a scenery too vivid.
Its clarity unmistakable,
How glorious the colors,
How I can almost touch its lofty existence
Whirling like a storm inside my mind.
But nobody is in it,
Not me nor you.
Only the imprint of what was been.
Images darting so swiftly,
Fleeting,
Fading with each passing of time.
That part of my life is gone.
((( asheil.october 4.2011.tuesday.2115hrs.)))
