Message in a Bottle ( Melodies of the Heart Diaries-1)

So here I am facing the same old cycle of holding on and letting go; pulled apart between two directions. Making plans but never have the strength to put them into action.  I look at the world through misty windows, nothing is as it seems.  

They say messages in a bottle are a thing of the past.. But here I am, with all the pent up emotions, all these words that I couldn't tell you; wishing that someday, this will find you and you'll know it's about you and me.  You'll look back at this point where it could have been us.  How would you feel?

I don't know if I'll get through this. Maybe I will, maybe I won't.  Spending each day looking out on the horizon wishing that the same bottle will wash up on my shore, this time, with a message from you or will destiny pass me by again? 

Today I feel the resolve to get on without you.  But how will tomorrow find me?

Seeking shelter in an imaginary lighthouse tower, directing the light so you'd find your way to me. But a storm came, ferocious winds howled like a melancholic lovesong.  The lighthouse that once stood so proudly, flashing beacons for ships at sea, now lay in ruins.  

And I trembled, gripped by wrecking sobs because it finally dawned on me that something so good can never be.

And this message in a bottle will simply be a memory; a worthless treasure lost at sea.

(((asheil.sept. 7,2014.sunday.2105hrs.)))

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 image below: copyright belongs to Lang Leav

It's early morning.
I'm just starting through my day,
Sipping my coffee.

You drift into my mind.
And I whisper your name.
It's like saying it for the first time.
Closing my eyes,
Giving in to the thrill.

And I smiled.



(((asheil.november 15, 2013.friday.1534hrs.)))

 

image courtesy of weheartit.com

Forevermore-Echoes of the Heart (a vignette)

The bells on the door jingled. I looked up, an immaculately dressed gentleman walked in. I wondered what life he has. He seems so confident. He must be successful, career wise. I resumed looking at the table cloth; tracing my fingers on the pattern. It was four in the afternoon. There wasn't that much crowd in the diner. A slow, mournful song is played. One of those gut wrenching melodies that bleeds your heart. I peered outside, watching the passersby. It's so surreal. I am at a standstill and forces beyond me are moving. Like a movie scene. Outside of my periphery, everything is a blur. I shook my head to erase the images in my mind. Reminding myself this is the day where starts and endings should be faced. A baby cried on the table on my left. I heard the mother crooning, soothing the baby to stop crying. A chill run up my spine. And I nearly choke. If only there was someone.... And I corrected myself. Oh yes there was someone. Was. 

I snorted. I had to stifle a bitter cry, bit my lip and stared at nothing in particular.

"Are you okay?" you asked, jolting me back to reality.  I didn't catch everything you were saying. All this droning of excuses is just so exhausting. I stopped listening the moment you said, "It's not working. It's not your fault, it's mine".  Am I okay? Like hell I'm okay. But like all things in the world when it ceases to mean something to someone, I have to accept it. Funny about acceptance. There's just too much arguments going on inside one's head, it's like a mini courtroom. You're the plaintiff, the accused, judge, the jury and the executioner. It's a dulling sensation, you never fully fathom its depths. You're just numb. Not that I blame you though. There were signs everywhere. I just refused to see them. I created this rosy-colored bubble. I did not realized how vulnerable it was.

How is it that I wanted to cry but no tears came? Such a deplorable feeling. I wanted to scream, slap you and ask the ever-profound WHY but I just clenched my fist to stop myself from shaking. Confrontation was never really my strong suit. Silence. Confounded silence. That, I'm very good at. 

I suddenly stood up, surprising you. I didn't even bother to glance back. Just walked out the door. The air outside was crisp. An old man, sitting on a bench,  was reading the day's paper. He didn't even bother to look up when I passed by. Lost in his own world. People got on with their lives. I wonder what people say when they look at me.

 I'm accustomed to pain, what's another hurt? Another betrayal of Trust. And there's the rub. Trust that has been broken. More than the emotional upheaval raging inside, this carries the heaviest weight.  And yet this time, I want to dissociate myself so I can believe it's not real. An idyllic setting. Such a quaint illusion I compelled myself to conjure.

Often, you stress yourself too much on theories how things should turn out. But then Life happens. And you're alone, defenseless. Crap! Just a bunch of crap. You're sucked up in that revolting feeling; thrust into a situation you'd rather run from. How I wish each of us has a switch we carry with us. Switching Off in times like these. or a strike out button--deleting these awful scenarios. But it doesn't work that way. Like a boxer, you have to take the punches on your own. Left jab, right hook, upper cut. Sometimes a headbutt. Bloody hell. You're inside the ring, oblivious to the crowd, shadow boxing with your demons. Nothing left to show but a bruised face and a broken spirit. Fallen. Hah. Just great!

I am not sure if I can Trust again or open myself to believe.  I'm thinking I've done too much damage to my heart. This might just be it. The final buzzer has sounded. The last straw. I'm beat. Lock it, throw away the key. Got to make myself numb. ha-ha

And yet, somewhere in the back of my mind, something keeps nagging. "Yep, your heart sure is broken. But it still works." 

I shake my head, chuckling involuntarily. I must be mad, talking to myself on the sidewalk. I turned on the corner and my eye caught the traffic light. It was a green, signalling Go.

Something in the air seems to whisper, "It's just about time."

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Gone

A lasting impression

Like a scenery too vivid.

Its clarity unmistakable,

How glorious the colors,

How I can almost touch its lofty existence

Whirling like a storm inside my mind.

But nobody is in it,

Not me nor you.

Only the imprint of what was been.

Images darting so swiftly,

Fleeting,

Fading with each passing of time.

That part of my life is gone.

((( asheil.october 4.2011.tuesday.2115hrs.)))

 

A love note: from me to you

A love at the wrong time.
All the words left unspoken.
Chances never taken.
If you are given the chance to turn the hands of time,
Would you have done differently?
And change fate.
But what if it never works out even after you did?
Would you rather have that one chance to know
Than spend your life wondering.........
 
                                 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Today, you said it's final. You're getting married. What am I supposed to say? Tell you don't go ahead? What right do I have? You don't know I love you. And as much as I can tell you feel the same way, we never really said it out loud. Too many what ifs.... a thousand if onlys.. Nothing resolved. Ours is a love that won't get the light of day. It just cannot be.

I was weak kneed, too devastated by the news. I bit my lip to stop myself from trembling. As tears were threatening to fall down my cheeks, I can't make you wonder why. But they're burning my eyes. Part of me was happy for you but part of me just died upon hearing it. I lost all reasons to live. I was praying for strength to get through this. It took all I have not to blurt out "Don't. I love you.Why can't it be me?" 

Past conversations are coming back - an interloping snippets of memories one after the other. And with heavy heart, I realized memories are all I have now. Tucked into the secret corners of my being. That sacred space you hold. Only you.

I am not sure if I'll ever get over you. If only I told you what I feel, would we end up together? But reality stares me in the face. And though, I'm breaking up inside I have to keep a brave face. The time has come to unchain my heart from yours.

So maybe one day, you'll know what I felt for you. You'll take hold of this letter where all my pent up emotions are written. Just like a message in a bottle ---- lost at sea.

I love you. Until we meet again. This time, I won't let you go.

image courtesy of weheartit.

Spring Serenade

The first ray of light flirted with the curtains which were shifting with the soft breeze. The world slowly awakens. It's the first day of spring. Cool winds blow, birds are chirping and the sweet smell of grass wafts through like they do when they're freshly mowed. I snuggled deeper into the warm bed, wanting to savor the moment of utter bliss and contentment - briefly though it was. How I easily drift into melancholy I would never know nor feel the urge to know. We are who we are. 

So here I lay awake listening to the first stirrings of the new day. I am here yet not really here. Funny how your mind tricks you. Yawning, I hesitantly got out of bed, pulled out the chair from the side and sit by the window. Soft pats of rain beat the roof as though small pebbles are thrown on them. I welcome the distraction. Just the appropriate sound to break the silence. Not that I abhor Silence. I am mesmerized by it. Mystified even. It's like a lake, where ripples are created when you cast a stone or do something to break the stillness. But ripples are only on the surface. You never see what's under the water. That's how I look at Silence, did I tell you that? You can't fully fathom it, you only skim through it.  It makes or breaks you. It builds and yet it can also destroy depending on the depth to which you embrace it.

Well, anyway, while I listen to the rhythmic rainfall I fall into my habit of clasping and unclasping my hands which irritates me sometimes. I don't know why I do that or when I started doing it. Things happen I guess when you're too preoccupied with other mundane thoughts, you pick up annoying mannerisms. Some say, it could be another unconscious psychological condition, those things that you do to shield yourself from hurt or pain. Whatever.

I turned on my CD player. The usual perk me up song to start the day.  But I stayed glued on my seat, watching the scene before my eyes: the rain just before it hits the ground, each droplet like tiny prisms casting little rainbows, the leaves bowing to the weight of water as though showing it's strength, and the panorama -- faint ray of sunshine dabbed by soft rain. Such a magnificent phenomenon. Like a painting. Surreal but otherwise it touches you like nothing else would.

And like those days, where you just feel deep inside, by intuition, that everything may work out just right creeps on me. Like a budding flower about to welcome the change of season. Change can be scary but it's always there. And today I firmly resolve to be its friend.  Because I don't want to be faithless.

I close my eyes, relishing this moment of peace. Tapping my feet to the music. There's a lightness inside of me. A song in my heart begins to play.

My faith is restored.

((( asheil.october 21.2012.sunday.1925hrs.)))

Hello, love

She woke up earlier than usual. She couldn't go back to sleep no matter how hard she tried.  She couldn't suppress a smile. She's happy. Happier than she's ever been. 

Somewhere along the way of being friends with him, something has changed. She couldn't pinpoint that exact moment when it happened. The feeling just grew steadily until one morning, she realized there's more than friendship between them. She knows he feels the same way. There have been constant exchange of sweet messages between them. But neither one wants to be the first to say anything nor admit the relationship has elevated to something more passionate. She couldn't contain her excitement. She knows when she opens her facebook account there would be a message from him. Just the usual goodnight. Take care. I miss you.  But it's enough to make her day.  Until out of the blue, he simply said, 

     "I love you." How three simple words eventually turn her life around. She's in love. No doubt about it.

There's a lightness in her steps.  Everything seems to be easy and friends have noticed she's prettier and laughs a lot now. 

But every now and then, something creeps up.  There are myriads of questions left unanswered. Sure, they're closer than before.  And she's sure he's in love with her too. But sometimes, hesitation sets in. What if he doesn't? What if he sees her only as a friend? And if they're in love, could theirs have a  happy ending? We live in two different worlds. In a nutshell, people would say theirs do not have a chance of surviving the challenges. There's too much between them. She's afraid, unsure whether they'll be able to surpass all the hurdles. How can they begin to start a life when neither one is ready to admit to the other what one feels. And if they should commit to each other, would they have the strength to make it work. Is Love enough to withstand the test of time, or society's demands.

She brushed off the questions. Whether or not the feeling is mutual or that they'll have a happy ending does not dampen her spirits nor dimmed her happiness. She's going to live it day by day. For the moment, she's happy. Happily in love.

And as she taps her foot and hums their song she wonders what tomorrow brings. Right at that moment, a message came up. "Hello, love."