PMS--Pity Me Syndrome

It seems like you're at the end of the road... your world is about to snap and thoughts rule your senses. The perspectives begin to crumble one by one. You're at the end of your tether. Life becomes monotonous; there is a sense of purposelessness. and yet, you have no idea when you become to be just a walking, unfeeling individual. You begin to view life as nothing more than just breathing in and out. somehow, you feel trapped. You want to cry but can't. Tears just won't come. But deep inside, you are falling apart. Outside, you are the quintessential example of strength. Inside, there's nothing but a hollow void nothing can fill. You go through the daily motions out of habit but without a touch of sense or purpose.And the meaning of life has become a dried up wishing well.

How often do we succumb to this situation. This deep feeling of being embittered; resentful and defeated. The human mind is so complex, it can conjure deep thoughts that somehow just overpower your own sense of self belief. It's not a pretty feeling. It eats at your soul. It's as if the whole world is crashing in on you and you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders. Your woes, your troubles. You.You.You.

Such a narcissistic point of view, ain't it. Oftentimes, when we're experiencing turbulence in our life, only us matters. Nothing else. You become too engrossed in your woes,  the world takes a backseat. It's PMS written all over it. PITY ME SYNDROME.

But once in a while, sanity slaps you right back into reality. You come to a place where you realize your woes are a tiny fraction than what other people have. Insignificant even. You meet people who remind you that life is not about our own existence, but existing peacefully and meaningfully with others. 

I just went to the wake and funeral of my boss' mother, Nanay Lucila, who died at the age of 90. What struck me the most was that at the wake, I was expecting a solemn, sober affair. However, it was to my amazement that all 13 of her children, her grandchildren and family friends were not at all sad. Instead the wake was full of laughter and happy conversations. I asked one of her sons on the reason. He said his mom has asked them not to grieve so much but to celebrate her life. All she ever wanted was for all her sons to be there. And true indeed, I heard anecdotes on how kind she was; how well she treat people even those who have hurt her. I am deeply overwhelmed by the number of people who were there and it made me think that this woman must have been one hell of a lady when she was alive to merit all these people on her wake.  And during her funeral, there were at least close to 300 people to pay respects. 

Because you see, when we are under an enormous emotional upheaval, we are too focused on ourselves -- for a brief period, sometimes longer than necessary. When we make someone the center of our existence, we forget all other areas and people in our lives. They become peripheral entities to us; those tiny specks that dwell beyond our spheres of consciousness or concern. And when the equilibrium of this *bubble* is threatened, when the perfect world you created crumbles, you are shaken to the core. And all of a sudden, everything come rushing in. And you begin to see just how selfish you have become; neglecting the people that you should have given attention to.

It is up to us how we want to be remembered. At that standstill where everything comes to a close, we reminisce on how well we lived our life.

Everything comes to an end. Like a story. 

The ending depends on how well you have written your life. People often cry for lost times. And those that cry the most are those who have given less of their love when they had the chance.

 So, how do you want to be remembered when you pass away?

Angels in Disguise

Right out of the blue, one ordinary day, I never imagined my life would change--not dramatically or something drastic but one that is so heartwarming and fulfilling.

I haven't got the faintest idea that by having a blog, sharing my insights and the poems I have written would also result to  me meeting people - those whose presence enriched me and who touched my life more than I ever thought possible.

I decided to start my blog last July.  Friends were urging me even before to have one but I felt I wasn't ready then. I thought having a blog would mean subjecting myself to scrutiny and sharing my private thoughts and emotions to the public would make me vulnerable. At that time, I felt I didn't have the right to have a blog - that I was a mediocre writer. I was hesitant, too afraid I would garner criticisms rather than positive feedback.

But now, several months after, I saw that the number of readership steadily grew. I was pinching myself, thinking I was just dreaming. And that the numbers were just a fluke. Because come to think of it, I ain't no Pulitzer writer. Just an ordinary person who happens to love writing. I didn't think people would relate to anything I posted.

And just this week, I met people -Radically strangers, so to speak. They stumbled upon my blog by accident or through a google page. But these people inspired me not to give up on writing. They said words way beyond what I thought. And it has humbled me to the very core.  

I am no seasoned writer. I don't even have the kind of experiences some people have. But I try to be truthful to all the posts I make. Truthful to the feelings and emotions. I try to see the world from their perspective. And to be as honest as I can possibly could to give justice to these emotions and experiences.

And most of all, today I give credit to these people whose words warmed my heart. Without them, I would never find the reason to be as inspired to write. I would have wanted to mention their names but I want to respect their privacy as well. But I hope that when they get to read this, they will know.

Thank you for coming into my life just as when I was having self doubts. You are all angels in disguise. 

And Thank You to those whose friendships mean the world to me. You are like a compass that points me to the right direction. A lighthouse that guides me to shore.

My deepest gratitude.

image courtesy of weheartit.com

 

Me, You and I Forgive You

This is for all those who feel they've have enough of being used, taken for granted and unappreciated, be it with friends or a person one is romantically involved with. There comes a point in life when you just got to say, Enough is enough. And it's not about being rude; it's about saving yourself from a destructive situation that brings resentment.

Today, I resolved to make peace, make amends.

I don't wanna be tied to a foolish chain where I'm holding the losing end. 

It's time to make a brand new start. For myself. 

Break free from the never ending cycle of self deprecation.

It's time to set the boundaries between being nice and self preservation.

Because I don't want to look at my life and be livid by the things I've done to please you; forgetting my self-worth in the process. 

All the lies, the power you have over me, the endless expectation-- They all stop right here. 

And although I maybe the same Me  and you are the same You, the equation stops to read as "Me being here with you."

And in case you haven't got the drift, this is a breakaway from the "Me equals You" scenario. 

It's not even about Letting go, it's just about Me moving on without You.

This is my graceful exit. An overdue act of courage to save what is left of Respect; before any of us break each other apart beyond redemption.
 
I forgive you.  

But most of all, I forgive myself for allowing you to hurt me. Of which I though was beyond healing.

And that by this simple act of disengaging myself, I hope that you can forgive me too.

Finally, before I go, here's what I want you to know and hope that when you get to read this, you'll find it in you to understand and forgive me too.

To borrow an old saying and putting my own twist to it;

To err is human. To forgive is simply..... Liberating.

 

image courtesy of weheartit.com

Reasons to Believe

To whom do you look forward to waking up each day?  What is the reason for your smile? Very simple questions that makes you pause and fumble for answers. 

Strange, ain't it that we go through our days with abandon.  All part of a routine: wake up, take a bath, eat, dress up, go to school or work, go home then sleep. 

In a world that's moving so fast, you remain frozen : at a standstill. Unable to cope with the changes. Like a square peg in a round hole. Totally mismatched. 

A dismal show of courage. When you experience turbulence in your life, it's hard to hold on to a sliver of hope. Hope is like a speck of light in the horizon, too far ahead to ever get hold of.

So you get on with life day to day.   And at some point, when you least expect it, everything crashes in on you. All the disappointments, the feeling of being powerless, buffeted by a wall of helplessness. It is quite staggering. And the scalding tears burns from the soul. 

When a person you know seems jaded, you don't know how to react nor the right things to say. How would you uplift someone who's made up their mind about certain things.

Says a local celebrity who just suffered a loss of a love one, "It's not only What We Eat but What's Eating us that matters." 
 

But getting through a loss, or disappointment differs from person to person. You can't just deliver a well-rehearsed speech on Positivity, blah, blah, blah expecting that everybody will react to the way you expect them to. We react differently. Some bounce back fast, some don't. It takes years to rebuild oneself.

It's a never ending battle with oneself.  To try to get past the negativity. The inner turmoil that boils within is hard to contain when you don't see any reason to go on. Or perhaps have people in your life that not only support you but understand where you're coming from because they've been there too. 

And you say, To whom do I look forward to each day? 

To everything that matters.  And if it's in abysmal state, then to Life itself. 

Label me What?

I just met this person recently.  And for all her financial stability, her social standing I never thought lies an insecure person. It's sad. Behind the facade of success, she's afraid to be left behind and that she feels inadequate. She can't step beyond the fears; unable to see just how lucky she is. And yet, you'll never be able to figure these out when you look at her. She's an object of envy for some; unable to see past beyond the superficial.

You look at a person and you form opinions based on the features, their gestures, the words they speak and sometimes by their nationality. First impressions. But do they really last? Sometimes, you wonder, how does the world see me? For one brief moment, you wished you have the ability to read anyone's mind to see how they perceive you. And if you could, would you be happy or ever ready for the things people see in you?  Or say about you.

Throughout our lives, we meet all sorts of people. Each one as different as night and day. Different strokes for different folks. What makes them tick? What are their pet peeves? What behooves them to do this and that? What moves you? What defines you? 

At the onset, we always put labels on people. It's like we put them in this and that category. Like a toy in a box complete with instructions. Little or nothing at all, could persuade us to change the dynamics of  this frail human tendency. 

Sometimes, we meet people that rub us the wrong way. You are irritated by the things they say and do. You can't explain it. There's something about them that resurrects the bad side in you---your very own Mr. Hyde personality.  But,  have you ever asked yourself, do I rub people the wrong way too?

I read somewhere that the things you hate from others are the reflection of the things that are in you, as well. Would you beg to disagree? Or does it bear a grain of truth. That deep down inside we are wired the same. It's only that society and other factors nurture us to react differently.

Inasmuch as we abhor being labeled or judged, we fall prey to the same malady. How we cringe at hearing how our friends or people in general say things about us that go against our own sensitivities. And yet, how easily we say and pass things about other people.Irony to the hilt. Sometimes, it's sad. Sometimes, upon deep contemplation, it can be a good thing. How? For one, you refrain from doing so, most times. And with conscious effort. Two, you whisper a sincere apology to those whom you feel you have slighted, directly and indirectly.Provided, of course, that you are willing to admit you have erred.

We are innately good. Nobody is born evil/bad. Call it a moment of weakness. An indiscretion from our goodness. Maybe the labels help us know people and for people to know us. But there's more to us than meets the eye. What we perceive is just a tiny facet of what lies beneath. Hardly do we fully grasp the wholeness by just seeing, or by the opinions we hold. 

People are gonna say things about you; whether justified or not.  Enough to turn your world into a frenzy. It is despicable. You become frantic; wanting to get to the bottom of things. Where have you gone wrong. Did you mess things up. You are distraught, wanting to please everyone. As if that's possible! But are you going to straighten them all up or are you just going to let it pass? Some battles are worth fighting for and some are just  a total waste of time.

How we love to downplay the reactions people do when slighted. But how tediously and overwrought with anxiety we turn ON the defensive mechanism button the moment the spotlight turns to us. Opinions rarely matter... Unless you give it the power to matter. to you!

For whom the bell tolls.  It tolls for everyone.

                                     image courtesy of weheartit.com

Life, Oh Life

How well can one describe what Life is? Or should one ever try to explain what it is? Fate, destiny, master plan, choices, these things are intertwined with Life. Too many inspirational quotes and books were written trying to behoove us to accept the primordial thought that Life is pre destined-as it should be. But life is like a labyrinth.  Too many twists and turns. A single decision on which way to go leads you to another maze. And the cycle starts again. And there are some who are too sanguine, sugar coating everything and passing off Life as a fairy tale.

Take a single moment of Silence and examine your Life. Go back to as far as you can and remember the highlights and sidelights of every decision you have made and then ask yourself whether you have the kind of Life you wanted. Are you thankful for the life you have now or you wished to have a different one. Is there another person's life you wished you were living. Look yourself in the mirror and see if you like the reflection. Could it be that you, just like the millions of us in this planet, wished so fervently to have more than what you have; silently *despising* (for lack of a better word) the one we have. But just like anybody else, we are psychologically bound to accept it. There is resignation that everything is pre planned; like some part of a cosmic event that regardless of what we want or do, life is gonna end up the way that it is. Does that sound a bit bitter? 

You have to confess at some point we want things other people have; we try to pacify the inner wantings by telling ourselves we are content and yet, there's this inner, deep desires that cannot be silenced. Some sense of discontent gurgles within; self pity even. And anger too. Because we believe we deserve a little bit better and more. You try to compare lives, then. And from your vantage point, you cry out Foul. Questions abound as to why you have too little of this and that and others have more. Others whom you feel do not deserve these things. You feel slighted because you believe that you are better. And by comparison, you kinda sense you are on the lighter side of the scale. And then, you begin to question God.

There's too much whining, admit it. Deep down inside, regardless of how you convince yourself otherwise, you feel a longing. There are days when we fall into an abysmal fits of hunger and anger. Of desires and wants. But because we are predisposed to the idea that we should be satisfied with what is given, we try to placate the longings. But does longing for some things make us an ingrate? Isn't it human nature to long, to want. Does it make us less of a person, then? For without these, how can we strive to pursue our dreams or be grateful for those wishes that were granted. Life is an Irony. To be able to appreciate things, sometimes, we need to experience challenges, discouragement and the likes. 

You can be dismayed. Believe me, it does take some inner strength to bounce back. There are times, where whining is easier than doing something about it.  But one cannot and should not stay in the dark for so long. Sure, we are swamped with too many hits and misses it's hard to be happy sometimes. And up to this point, while writing this, I am questioning myself whether this piece is too saccharine for peoples' tastes or that it sublimely expresses the things I want. I am not trying to explain Life. No one should explain Life. For we are on a journey of our own. We don't have the same Life. We are who we are by the experiences we went through. No one has the right to judge us.

And by coincidence, I came across these lines lifted from Henry James' The Portrait of a Lady, which I believe happens to be appropriate for this. And I quote, 

" It’s just as when one has been trying to spell out a book in the twilight, and suddenly the lamp comes in. I had been putting out my eyes over the book of life, and finding nothing to reward me for my pains; but now that I can read it properly I see that it’s a delightful story.”