With Me with You

Sweet, sweet dreams

Of endless possibilities 

With you.

Walking on petal strewn path

With Me.

Paint everlasting memories
With you.

It's a beautiful world

With you with Me with you.

((( asheil.december 16, 2013.monday.1540hrs.)))

photo: @ Jardin ni Lola, Eden Mountain Resort, Bayabas, Toril, Davao City, Philippines

 

Misty Glass Window

Imprisoned chaos,

Caged in a border-less fortress.

Veiled perceptions curtain the eyes

Shadowed corners of padded thorns,

Empty words of enchanting deception.

A doomed courtship between light and shadows.

(((asheil.december 10.2013.tuesday.0837hrs.)))

photo: Manolo Fortich, Bukidnon, Philippines

HeART Angel

The Art is in my HeART,

The Heart is in my Art.

Crossing borders,

Hanging in your world,

Seamless stretch of silent realm.

Little leaps of fire
Gilded in velvet,

Unlocking secrets
That dances seductively.

Love,

 Always love

Given freely,

Don't you know?

((( asheil.november 1, 2013.friday.1206hrs.)))

photo taken: Barangay Mana, Malita, Davao Occidental

It's early morning.
I'm just starting through my day,
Sipping my coffee.

You drift into my mind.
And I whisper your name.
It's like saying it for the first time.
Closing my eyes,
Giving in to the thrill.

And I smiled.



(((asheil.november 15, 2013.friday.1534hrs.)))

 

image courtesy of weheartit.com

Jeepney Ride

A constant droning,
Incessant chatter all around,

Lingering within the periphery of my consciousness.

A sweltering heat of non-stop chatter,

Nonsensical rantings of furious, insensitive beings,

Mumblings I care not

While I'm enclosed in my sweet dominion,

Lost in my own soulful meditation,

A commuter on the train of life. 

(((asheil.july 29,2011.friday.2227hrs.)))

Circles

It's the same old game,

Running around in circles,

Streaks of madness creeping in.

My head is in the clouds,
A luxurious niche among the shadows.

Circling,
Higher and higher up dizzying heights.

Desperate tears looming,

A melancholic sigh escapes the lips,
Exhausted pleas lost in the mist

From running around in circles,

Yet still rooted in the same  place.

((( asheil.march 30.2013.saturday.1409hrs.)))

Line to Heaven

I've been debating whether I should go through with this article because this is too personal for me. I'm not one to put the spotlight on myself. I'd rather stay on the sidelines, content to watch and observe. But I figured I should at least confront my fears for the first and last time. Putting them into words just might be cathartic and maybe some people can take a  glimpse of who I am, that certain part I conceal. 

All these thoughts came all at once, like an avalanche, right in the middle of my conversation with my niece. I couldn't stop it, the floodgates of memories opened. It was a very sentimental day for me. Here she is, at 19 years old, celebrating milestones without her mom.

When she was about 3, her mom and dad left her to me to look after one summer. I was still in college then. So I have to juggle between going to school and taking care of her. And as she sleeps right next to me, she has this habit of cuddling up to me and trying to open my eyes and say "Gising Na." (Wake Up). When I get home from school, she'd squeal and say my name out loud running to the door to greet me.

When I finished college, I declined some job offers and decided to help my sister take care of her and her siblings for a while. I couldn't very well say no to my sister when she asked me. I used to tutor her, make  mock examination papers, her chaperon on school-sponsored field trips. Just like any other kid, she used to have tantrums. Looking back, I am still amazed at how I kept peace between her and her brothers, Kitkat and Ken; fighting over toys, TV time, comparisons and all the little things that can make you lose your patience if you don't remind yourself they're just kids and that once upon a time you were just like that. When I see them today, I can't help but be proud, I helped raised these kids. When they come to visit, they always sleep with me.

I can still remember the night her mom, my sister Nyrissa, died. My father, my brothers and my sister and I flew to Manila to be on her bedside. It was February of 2006. A week before she died, my sister Lysa and I used to take turns to be with Ate Jack, as she was fondly called, massaging her arms because she said they were numb. She lost a lot of weight then, undergone mastectomy and she's so gaunt. After just one cycle of chemotherapy, her oncologist said the cancer has metastasized and her cancer was now Stage 4. One morning, as I was talking to her massaging her arm, she just stared at me, saying nothing. Just gave me that piercing, melancholic look. I can see she was very very sad but I didn't look into her eyes because I know if I did, I would cry. And I didn't want her to see me weak. I didn't want to acknowledge she was giving up fighting cancer. I excused myself and ran to the bathroom and cried. We were not that close when I was younger. We're opposites. She's feisty and outspoken, I am more reserved and shy. In fact, I'm a little scared of her.  A year before she was diagnosed with the Big C, she came to Davao. Just her. She said she wanted to spend time alone with me and ate Lysa. We visited Ama (as we call my father), slept in the same bed, talking and laughing all night. I didn't give it too much thought. I figured she just missed us. When I lived with them, she used to request that I cook at least twice a week. She says she loves my cooking. Just the way Mama used to do it. I used to bring her her favorite coffee  with peanut butter sandwich on some nights especially when she gets so sweet in asking me. "Sige na please," she'd say. It was an unspoken act of love. I never really told her how much I love her. I hope those gestures helped. 

But when she died, it was deja vu, that same moment my mother died. Again of cancer. Ysa was just 12 years old and will be graduating from grade school. When my father said "she's gone", it's like losing my mom all over again. And this time, the pain is twice as devastating. How do you explain to her kids to make them understand. She, Kitkat and Ken were with me and my heart was broken into pieces looking at my niece and nephews. It's like tearing a part of your soul; you're too helpless to do something.

My mom died a month shy of my college graduation. And the only thing she asked of my father was to escort me on my graduation. There she was, on her deathbed, and all she was thinking was my welfare. I would never, ever question my mother's love for me. There was a time I did. I really am my mother's favorite, I realized. On the day of my graduation, I was fighting so hard not to look at my father because I know I would break down. I was biting my inner cheek and pinch myself so I won't cry. Deep inside, I was a mess. All through my education, my mom was a constant figure; attending PTA meetings, getting up on stage to pin my ribbon at the end of each school year, agonizing over a difficult homework and waiting up for me when I get home later than usual. I know my father was fighting just as hard to contain his emotions. I take after him in that sense, never the showy type or affectionate in public. Up to now, I know he has not recovered from my mother's death. Eversince then, I can only count the times he has come to our house in the city or stayed at the room he and my mom shared. I can understand his grief.  He preferred to stay in our house in the country, right near the place where we buried Mama. I know when he sees us, he see Mama. I get too emotional whenever I see him. The thought that I might lose him just terrifies me. I am not so sure I can go through that again. Losing a loved one has, I think, made me scared of getting too attached with people because in my mind they would all leave. I was putting up a wall, the need to shield myself from pain. But you do get attached to some, putting yourself at a vulnerable risk of falling apart when they leave.

My elder sister has this notion of me being so ambivalent and distant and detached. She just doesn't know the inner battle I'm fighting. Because, contrary to what she believes, I feel too much. I hurt more than she does. At least she's  not afraid to show her emotions. She's the sappy one. She cries easily whereas I, I'm left with all the pent-up emotions. The trouble with pretending to be strong; you suffer alone.

I wonder how our lives would turn out had one or two variables were changed. Next year, Ysa will be graduating from college. I can't help but think if only her mom was still here. What her life would have been if she were here. And I kept on brooding about that, melancholy gripping me hard. And it's not out of anger or bitterness. Just the usual sentimental reasons with a tinge of sadness for what might have been. I felt my niece and nephews were robbed of something essential. Just as I was when I lost my mom. And I will always have this desperate yearning not bound by time or space.

You never fully get over a loss, you just learn to live with it. There's that void nobody can fill. Not even time.

Someone once said to me, you can only find the true meaning of a moment until it becomes a memory. And that's all I have, memories. 

To Mama and Ate Jack, I miss you. Everyday.

 Even so,
Clutching these precious, imperfect aspects,
I make mistakes,
I can be brutally honest, 
Wearing my heart on my sleeves,
But I can hide too,
My vulnerability I'm afraid to show.

But I am Me,

And this is my Journey.

La Isla de San Pablo

  This is a breather from the usual theme of my blog.  Am taking a little break from posting poems and sharing with you instead photos of my wonderful opportunity at visiting a place few people would have the chance to. Not your usual tourist itinerary anyway. Located in Hinunangan, Southern Leyte, Philippines. Just 25 minute boat ride from mainland Hinunangan.

This one's an eye candy, those who love the beach, that is.... Feast on. 

Kids at play

my shy nephew Joshua

my nephew Andrei having a fun time giving his uncle a bath :D

 

 

 

 

some fish flirt with my lens.... catch me swim if you can!

 

"hidden within the mists of time......"

 

and it's as though a storm is about to blow

Light and Shadows

Far away on the horizon,

A lone soul walks.

Taking each painstaking step towards the unknown.

Further still, 

The red star glows

Its light not enough to ward the chills

Nor bring warmth to the broken wings of the sparrow.

Eerie shadows on the water,

Meaningless play of light.

The lone soul walks

Oblivious to the sights.

Ironically, 

The mind is in uncontrollable frenzy.

Thoughts and emotions whirling,

Lost in a mindless cadence of ancient rhythm.

But then, it snaps,

Sanity and feeling collided.

The lone soul on their wake,

Scarred, beaten and unmoving.

Everything is still,

Shadows have drifted.

A chill grips the scene.

And on the big vast blue,

The Red star glows no more.

(((asheil.september 27, 2000.wednesday.1000hrs.))) 

Fragments

I awaken from sporadic dreams

Only to beg time

To return me to my deep slumber,

Catch the tiny wisps of vague fantasies,

Hazy illusions I wholly seek.

Blurry visions I long to hold,

Those bittersweet images sheathed in silk,

Tiny droplets of golden hopes,

Strewn beneath the coverlet of haughtiness,

Viciously sweeping into my wakened self.

I remained Stoic.

Just like that,

I watched the dream's demise.

(((asheil.august 6.2011.saturday.1046hrs.)))

The Landscape of my Heart

If you were to spread your life before you and look at the panorama, marking those that have hurt you and those that you have hurt, How will it look? If it were a numbers game, which one outnumbers the other? Is your life fraught with the apparent vindictiveness you so adamantly feign?  Or is it a nondescript stage hoisted by drama, broken promises and circus-like spectacle?

People will always hurt you; with or without reason. Intentionally or not. And you, unwittingly or not, will hurt a lot of people along the way. All these things, good or bad, they shall all be taken away. At some point. And in that time, would you feel Relief or Guilt or Regret?

If you were walking along the highway of life, what's trailing behind you?  Is your shadow flanked by made-up ghosts and unresolved issues?

Hurt is inevitable. The perennial juggernaut that may define you. You want to stomp your way in defense. But like I said, people and circumstance will always find their way to hurt you. It's just the way it is. The answer lies not in dodging the bullets, so to speak, but how well you take them, if ever you do. What doesn't break you makes you, You.

 google images

And all those times you may have hurt others, how will you make amends? It's like you're inside a mirrored room where all you see is your own reflection. You failed to understand, selfishly decisive to be blind and callous. 

You are fumbling on your way, steadily plummeting into depths of uncertainty. It's not that easy, is it. You've put yourself way too much under the klieg  lights, your heart out on your sleeves and trusted vehemently that when that trust is broken, many times, it is hard to mend yourself. And you become Stoic. 

The hurts that are so debilitating are those whose culprit are the ones that you love most. But they stay in your heart always, regardless. Pretty ironic.  

After being apathetic , guarded and cautious for so long , are you ready to feel again? Will you ever find it in you to move past the fear and try again? 

Or will the landscape of your heart stay Silent and Still? 

Forevermore-Echoes of the Heart (a vignette)

The bells on the door jingled. I looked up, an immaculately dressed gentleman walked in. I wondered what life he has. He seems so confident. He must be successful, career wise. I resumed looking at the table cloth; tracing my fingers on the pattern. It was four in the afternoon. There wasn't that much crowd in the diner. A slow, mournful song is played. One of those gut wrenching melodies that bleeds your heart. I peered outside, watching the passersby. It's so surreal. I am at a standstill and forces beyond me are moving. Like a movie scene. Outside of my periphery, everything is a blur. I shook my head to erase the images in my mind. Reminding myself this is the day where starts and endings should be faced. A baby cried on the table on my left. I heard the mother crooning, soothing the baby to stop crying. A chill run up my spine. And I nearly choke. If only there was someone.... And I corrected myself. Oh yes there was someone. Was. 

I snorted. I had to stifle a bitter cry, bit my lip and stared at nothing in particular.

"Are you okay?" you asked, jolting me back to reality.  I didn't catch everything you were saying. All this droning of excuses is just so exhausting. I stopped listening the moment you said, "It's not working. It's not your fault, it's mine".  Am I okay? Like hell I'm okay. But like all things in the world when it ceases to mean something to someone, I have to accept it. Funny about acceptance. There's just too much arguments going on inside one's head, it's like a mini courtroom. You're the plaintiff, the accused, judge, the jury and the executioner. It's a dulling sensation, you never fully fathom its depths. You're just numb. Not that I blame you though. There were signs everywhere. I just refused to see them. I created this rosy-colored bubble. I did not realized how vulnerable it was.

How is it that I wanted to cry but no tears came? Such a deplorable feeling. I wanted to scream, slap you and ask the ever-profound WHY but I just clenched my fist to stop myself from shaking. Confrontation was never really my strong suit. Silence. Confounded silence. That, I'm very good at. 

I suddenly stood up, surprising you. I didn't even bother to glance back. Just walked out the door. The air outside was crisp. An old man, sitting on a bench,  was reading the day's paper. He didn't even bother to look up when I passed by. Lost in his own world. People got on with their lives. I wonder what people say when they look at me.

 I'm accustomed to pain, what's another hurt? Another betrayal of Trust. And there's the rub. Trust that has been broken. More than the emotional upheaval raging inside, this carries the heaviest weight.  And yet this time, I want to dissociate myself so I can believe it's not real. An idyllic setting. Such a quaint illusion I compelled myself to conjure.

Often, you stress yourself too much on theories how things should turn out. But then Life happens. And you're alone, defenseless. Crap! Just a bunch of crap. You're sucked up in that revolting feeling; thrust into a situation you'd rather run from. How I wish each of us has a switch we carry with us. Switching Off in times like these. or a strike out button--deleting these awful scenarios. But it doesn't work that way. Like a boxer, you have to take the punches on your own. Left jab, right hook, upper cut. Sometimes a headbutt. Bloody hell. You're inside the ring, oblivious to the crowd, shadow boxing with your demons. Nothing left to show but a bruised face and a broken spirit. Fallen. Hah. Just great!

I am not sure if I can Trust again or open myself to believe.  I'm thinking I've done too much damage to my heart. This might just be it. The final buzzer has sounded. The last straw. I'm beat. Lock it, throw away the key. Got to make myself numb. ha-ha

And yet, somewhere in the back of my mind, something keeps nagging. "Yep, your heart sure is broken. But it still works." 

I shake my head, chuckling involuntarily. I must be mad, talking to myself on the sidewalk. I turned on the corner and my eye caught the traffic light. It was a green, signalling Go.

Something in the air seems to whisper, "It's just about time."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Gone

A lasting impression

Like a scenery too vivid.

Its clarity unmistakable,

How glorious the colors,

How I can almost touch its lofty existence

Whirling like a storm inside my mind.

But nobody is in it,

Not me nor you.

Only the imprint of what was been.

Images darting so swiftly,

Fleeting,

Fading with each passing of time.

That part of my life is gone.

((( asheil.october 4.2011.tuesday.2115hrs.)))

 

Stardust

Hush, hush
Hush the rising crescendo.
The city of Ashes
Falls beneath the angel's feet.

A scalding sensation grips one's soul.

A gathering of pent up emotions

Laden in a Siren's song.

Linger,

Shiver,
A swift pullout of Impulse.

I chose to be on the side of me.

As the song of the sparrow
Is finally heard by the lark.

((( asheil. august. 12.2011.friday.1745hrs.)))

 

Cancion de Amor

Tomorrow, you are leaving again.
Like the sand inside the hourglass,
I feel the moments slipping by.
I try to capture each sensation,
Wanting to freeze the moments.

And then, our song is played.
Every line unfurling the sweetest waves.
The familiar strain a never ending serenade
To a heart that will be waiting.

So I close my eyes,
The melodies take me back in time.
To sweet caresses,
Feather soft kisses,
And gentle whispers.
Two souls swaying to the refrain
Sharing one destiny.

The heart skips a beat,
Hammering inside my chest.
Pounding rhythmically.

I gently pulled you close,
Hum the words softly.
Cause this is a love song,

Cancion de amor para ti.

~asheil.march 21.2012.thursday.0947hrs.~

 

 

Khushi

I'm falling into pieces

The rush of emotions left me in a daze

I'm hanging on a balance.

I die a little each day

With just your memories

I am not quite myself

I wonder if I'll ever be me again

When there's no You.

I tried so hard to speak

But the silence is overwhelming

Somehow I am more content to bask in its presence

Than lose myself in words

That don't mean a thing.

Not anymore.

I blanket myself in darkness.

Though there's a blue sky up above

Choking my soul

Tearing me up inside.

'Cause though I dreamed of a Happy Ending
Life handed me a Tragedy instead

And this is my Lovestory.

 (((asheil.nov. 26.2011.saturday.2012hrs.)))

NOTE: this poem I wrote after I read Ravinder Singh's novel entitled I Too Had a Love Story

I am the One

Love is a temptress

Egging me on.

Calling out of the blue

Take my defenses down

And fall for you.

                                                  All my dreams would come true
                                                    It's all because I am with you.
                                        I have never imagined that I'd meet someone
                                             Who would adore me as much as you do.
                                                     Tell me I'm not dreaming.

                                                                  For I believe
                                                That there is that soulmate for everyone.

                                                         You're meant for me,
                                                         I am the one for you.


---asheil.June 11, 2011.Saturday.1039Hrs.

                                                image courtesy of desktopnexxus

Happy Ever After

In celebration of Valentine's Day, here's one of the limited happy love poems I have written. For all the lovers, and the hearts that never fail to believe in Love.

Been thinking about You
And there's a storm brewing inside of Me.
The look in your eyes enthralled me,
How sweet it feels,
How right it is.
The passion just runs so deep.
The tenderness mystifies me.
To open the once numb heart.

Some spell hangs suspended.
A serene magic settles in.

I've heard "I Love You" said many times
But only when you said them
Did the words mean anything.

A spontaneous change naturally flowed.
An immaculate tale happily told.
The course of love between you and I
Is like a glorious song,
Its melody boundless.

You and I are one.
  

--sdc.9.5.2011.Monday.2220--

Tears

A scorching sensation that seared the soul,
Hot and fiery river wanting to break free.
Sighs of hope muffled in its furnace.
Taking different courses,
Arising from a lone source.
Burning the path that crosses its way.
Traces of scars
That echoes the pulsing in my blood.

And so they gushed forth
When the dam of control broke loss.
An uncontrollable surge of welled-up emotion
Rushing through the final border of sorrow.

-----August 2, 1998, Sunday @ 12NN----

HeartSpeak

I memorize your face

Just in case I might miss you

The moment you turn away.

I memorize  the sound of your voice

To listen to when I'm feeling blue.

I memorize your touch

So I can have the warmest caress

At a moment's notice.

I miss you when we're apart

I miss you when we're together.

I miss you the very second I say

"I miss you."

But most of all,

When I say  I miss you

I really mean to say

I LOVE YOU.

Shimmers

A weary heart inside a broken soul,
Perpetual sorrow rarely given cure,
Revolving spheres of dismal expectations.

The sand beneath my feet
Crunching with each step
Deafening rantings I can barely control.

The floodgates are loosened,
Tears are rushing in,
Twin streaks of fiery pain,
Desperately seeking release off these emotional shackles.

And then,
A whiff of air blasts through,
Like an oracle predominantly displayed,
A rainbow amidst the storm.
Colors are beautifully merging,
Sounds are softly blending,
And stars are perfectly aligning,
A serene feeling descends.

My heart,
Be still.
Be still.

(((asheil.oct.23.2011.sunday.2154)))

Mirage

You're close enough for me to touch

                              Or could my mind be playing tricks on me again?
                                               Dream walking to where you are
                                                             As time stood still.
                                                Flitting images pass before me
                                          A myriad of colors drifting in and out.
                                                      Glaring at something
                                                     But not knowing what.
                                          A mirage that doesn't come alive.
                                         Leaving a hollow feeling deep inside.

                                                        I'm left in this place     
                                      Where you don't even remember me.
                                                   I am empty, I am numb
                                 Lose myself in countless dreams and images
                                         Wishing they may just be real
                                          And I'm really there with you.

                                               But just like yesterday
                                              And all the days before
                                   Only an imprint of you survives,

                                                  I SUFFER IN SILENCE.

                                                          asheil.July 9, 2011. Saturday.1415Hrs